Pre-Christmas 2010

Oh My YAY its almost Christmas!!!!!! Ha, yes I just said that!!!! :) So it has finally gotten cold outside and my christmas tree is FINALLY up as you can see :) So Its finally starting to look and feel like Christmas!!!....Now if only we could get some snow!!! ;) Granted for me there would be no "hey Chilis sorry I cant make it to work today im snowed in"....because I seriously live like 1.5 mins away and they would probably tell me to start walking! ha-ha. So I've seen a few other blogs on what everyone wants from christmas so I figured I'd make one too........ I have had one Christmas party so far and I walked away with a purse made out of a REAL football!......

I Love It!!!!! :) I probably wont ever carry it as a purse but I still love it! I have another Christmas party this Thursday and its a German Christmas Party so it should be a lot of fun! And then next Wednesday I have a x-mas party at work and we're going pot luck style! YUM!!!! Which means this little girl gets to cook which that alone makes me very very happy!

Speaking of cooking I have the next 2 days off work because tonight someone from work texted me and really needed money and he has kids and its christmas time so I gave in and let him have it. And tomorrow im just off because I took off! I think I've realized a plus to being single and having no kids......it seems as if everyone under the sun is needing to work really bad right now and im just not. Perks of being alone at christmas time. Which I might add this is a FIRST for me! I have never ever spent a Christmas alone! Its sad and good at the same time. Im actually looking forward to it! A very big part of me is turning into little Miss Independent and Im really starting to think I would be very happy this way because im loving it now. But back to cooking since im off work I started up a pot of northern beans in the slow cooker and a loaf of bread in the bread maker this afternoon. Im super excited to see how the bread will turn out. Ive made beans tons of times along with cornbread and fried potatoes...mmhhmmm!! But the bread is a first so i'll let you know! :)

Side note.......Im moving into a bigger apartment in March ok not even an apartment but a townhouse!!!!! Im sooooo stinkin excited, its two floors, 2 bedroom, 2 bath, FULL KITCHEN (HEAVEN), a fireplace and only a $250 deposit for an animal next to the $500 dollar deposit where Im at!!! When I was telling my dad about it he said "why do you need anything bigger....Are you getting married?" ha-ha I of course just laughed and said no and thats why im getting something nicer and bigger. I want something thats more long term and really nice. Dont get me wrong my apt now is all brand new and very nice but I realized I make plenty of money that I can upgrade to a place thats more home felt and has room from company!! :) So please in 3 months come see me and stay the weekend! :)

Ok my Christmas list/ Birthday list......No im not being selfish I have since I was a little girl combined the two because my birthday is so close to xmas its easier to just give my one list! :) So my mac has finally kicked the bucket! I have had more problems in the last month than I ever have, my screen currently appears as that of a xray screen but im really good and reading it for some reason. So all I asked for this year was Apple.com gift cards to go toward this new mac im going to have to invest in. :( Not so exciting but it will be worth it once I get it. :) But I cant ask for only one thing so ill add "Just Dance 2" for the Wii, New Boots, Anything cookware, and how about a puppy! Thats it! :) Surely thats not asking for to much right?........Anyways nothing profound in this blog just a few random thoughts. Hope everyone has an AMAZING week!!!! <3

*12* Days Till Christmas!!
*18* Days Till My 26th Birthday!! :D

Institutionalized

First I want to tell you all how much of a out of shape BABY I am. I have been doing P90X again and Plyometrics is my favorite but its been like 2 months since ive done it and ill just say I've yet to get past 30 mins of the hour of it without quitting and I HURT bad haha! And Im burnt from tanning so im walking around like a old lady this week!!! And I dont want to hear any smart remarks about me being old! :cough: Aaron Matthews :cough:

Anyways on to the blog, So I recently purchased a book called "Organic Leadership; Leading Naturally Right Where You Are" By Neil Cole. The first chapter of the book really took a hold of me and has pushed me to back track on a lot of things in my life. The Chapter is titled "On being Institutionalized; Depending On The Walls That Imprison You" I don't want to ruin the chapter for anyone who may consider picking up this book but I will go into some what of what the chapter is about and how its effecting me personally.

I personally believe that a lot of churchs have become an institution where leaders inside the church are important and well educated people, but OUTSIDE the church they are nothing, with no clout, no power, nothing impressive. It is when you as a leader find your identity and purpose inside the church. You give your life to maintaining the institution which cause you to be a prisoner and you no longer can not imagine life on the outside. That was me. When I stepped out of my role in the church I spent months trying to figure out what I stand for and who I really was. I knew what I was inside the walls of the church but outside I felt as if I was nothing beyond a 25 year old girl who was basically starting her life over from scratch because she gave up what she had for years built her life around thinking it was defining who she was in Christ.

Not to go against or bash anything I have done in the past but when I read this and took a step back to look at the last few years of my life I realized I without a doubt had been on of these prisoners. I spend years focusing on how I could invest different parts of my life to making this institution better. I spend every moment of everyday constantly feeling as if it was my life. I can honestly say I got to the point that no longer was my own personal relationship with Jesus my number one priority in life, it was now the well being of this institution and how I was going to be moved to a higher level of position or authority. This is bad because I wanted to badly to be needed and be of great importance to the Kingdom of God when in the end when I stepped out I felt that all of that was completely gone. When I gave up the title I carried for years all I was just a girl who at one point did carry high important and value and now I carried nothing.

The more I thought about all the time and money I spent investing in my education through this intitution in the end I now realize im not qualified to do anything outside of this institution more than wait tables at a local restaurant. Ha......Crazy to think about! Not that my time there was wasted. I do not think that at all. I value the things I learned and the experiences. But the only thing I have now that I'm gone is a fresh start to do things over and differently. Which is NOT a bad thing. :)

Cole says "Christ did not come to establish an institution. His kingdom and his church are meant to be relational and spontaneous movements, not organizations. It is his followers who created the "church institution" with layers of authority and solidified programs and practices that take on a sacred nature in and of themselves. When we become part of the perpetuation of the institution so that our own identity and security are found there, we have become institutionalized."

He brings to recognition 2 problems with being institutionalized. The first being that when often unknowingly (which I believe I did) place our faith in the institution rather than in the Lord. I found my security, identity and hope through the institution not through Christ. This has been a major struggle for me now that I have stepped back into the secular world because I'm having to relearn how to put all of these things in Christ and not in my position at the church. The Second problem is that we elevate the institution to a level of being God's main instrument on earth. This is when everything under God must be and can only be done through this particular church. Cole says "The worth of people is determined by their value to the institution and its objectives." This is a BIG one in my mind. I never think one should be rejected by a church no matter where they stand and no matter how much they do wrong. That in my opinion is when the church becomes more a organization than a church. Its Gods house and who are we to judge the heart of a person to decide if they should of shouldn't be welcome into something that is run by Him?.....Or is it even being run by Him?.....Or is it run by us and we decide who can stay and who must go?.......That was free from Cecilia! ;)

I say all this to say that I do agree with Cole when he states that some people are called to work within the walls of the organized church. Its not that we must leave but that those who do stay function with freedom and faith and not in bondage. I am now at a place in life where I at times honestly feel like I'm a new christian all over again due to the fact that I placed who I became in a institution. I'm having to go back to the basics of life and learn how to do this thing in the real world because my mind only knew how to function with life inside the walls of a church. I've learned more flaws within myself in the last few months than I have in a long time. This is a good thing though. Im loving the feeling that my life is starting back at the beginning and that my God is a God of 2nd and 3rd and 57th chances! :) Im probably way beyond my 57th change to do this thing right! Life is never promised to be easy and I have never expected it to be. Yes at times I would love for it to be but I'm just glad that God always comes through and is always there to pick me up, dust me off and encourage me to keep going. I do not regret anything I have done in life. I am now simply trying to figure out who I really am and what I really stand for. All I know is for the first time in a long time I am not putting my faith, hope or identity in a church, a person, a job, a title but in God and God alone. Its not always easy but I know that He will use me and guide me in the path best suited for me. I am excited to begin this journey to find my TRUE identity in Christ :) Not only do we ONLY know God through Jesus Christ, but we ONLY know ourselves through Jesus Christ; we ONLY know life and death through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ we cannot know the meaning of our life or our death, of God or of ourselves. :)




Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.



Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 


P.S. - 15 Days till Christmas, 21 Days till I'm *26* :) 

Text Messaging!

I hope my new way of getting people to know when I update my blog works. Haha but then again I still wish I could come up with a better way of doing it besides a text message to those of you who I know in fact read my blog but as of now thats all I have until I return to the facebook world..... if I ever do. I say that because I am having a really tough time with texting. I find it so easy, and when I get emotional, even more so.  


First off I want to apologize to anyone / everyone I text to as I know while you may love many of my bright, funny texts, it has also been an easy escape for me to not deal with some tougher issues. I can honestly admit that when things go wrong I basically loose it with the text. I make jokes about how the iphone has a function called a "text bomb" where you can instantly send around 600 text to a persons cell phone all at once......the joke I make is that I could seriously text bomb someone MYSELF if you wanted me to, and that is NO exaggeration. Its awful and it seriously hurts me that I do that to people sometimes, and most the time its people I really care about. :/ 


I can't recall when I picked up this awful addiction but I know its a bad one. I know part of the outrageous texting sometimes gets out of hand due to the fact that I can not STAND when people don't respond because in my head I feel ignored. In my mind I think that if I take the time to apologize or say something that is meaningful to any extent I'd like to know you got it and somewhat appreciate it. Ha also!!! I have a expectation I put on people to respond to everything I say due to the fact that I don't want to feel as if my words are invaluable, meaningless or taken lightly. Maybe insecurity is a bit of my problem? :/ I am what one would refer to as in love with instant gratification. I heard once that we live in a microwave world, we want everything fast and right now. Thats me! I want you to respond to me right away and have constant contact with people I enjoy talking to! WAKE UP Cecilia Your only REAL Constant Contact in life SHOULD be Jesus, But is it really? I am being TOTALLY transparent  and honest right now!


I can honestly say 99% of the time in my mind I'm just trying to make things right with people or to fix whatever is going on, but in reality I always make them way worse. So trust me I have pure intentions but that does not make it okay. A friend recently made the comment of how he liked it better when phones were meant to stay at home. I kinda wish that was the case still today because I'd probably have a few more friends. Sad but true. 


You would never really think of texting as an addiction, but it is.  At least I think it is.  I just did a search online and can see it is a highly debated subject, and a lot of people have a lot of different opinions.  Some even say it’s a mental illness, which I find a little harder to understand.  So let’s backtrack and review standard definitions of both mental illness and addiction.

mental illness:

n.

Any of various conditions characterized by impairment of an individual’s normal cognitive, emotional, or behavioral functioning, and caused by social, psychological, biochemical, genetic, or other factors, such as infection or head trauma. Also called emotional illness, mental disease, mental disorder.

addiction:

1.

a. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.

b. An instance of this: a person with multiple chemical addictions.

2.

a. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.

b. An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars.

OK.  Really?  Fast cars as a mental illness?  Religion as a mental illness?  You get "chemical brain highs" from a variety of things – just because that happens, does it mean it is an addiction or mental ‘illness’?  Not to mention illness gives off such a negative connotation (do we have a heart illness?).  It sounds weak and soft, when in fact brain issues are quite serious, medical, and biological and should be treated as such.


Back to my point; texting. For me, the differentiating factor of addiction is when it interrupts your daily life and creates negative consequences for you and others.  That is really the significant factor.  


Negative consequences.


I am pretty clear that for me, texting is an addiction.  I use it as a way to communicate negative feelings when I am upset – which generally just makes everything worse.  I am also impulsive and my mind works very, very quickly.  So I might have solved a problem ten minutes ago, but come up with a new solution 10 minutes later.  When I communicate this to others (whose brains maybe aren’t on such warp speed) I am confusing, inconsistent, and perceived ‘crazy.’  After reviewing some recent texts I can see why (but really, it all made sense to me at the time and I had a different tone!). No excuses, though.  The problem I have is that texting is so EASY and so right there.  I think part of it is possibly due to past experiences. I have a great fear that if I don't fix things NOW I may never get the chance to do so again if they decide to just walk out of my life due to whatever circumstances. (Which in reality is out of my control and I should never want anyone in my life who doesn't want me in theirs but thats another story) But once again I have created problems in my life because of it, so I am vowing to stop. The bible clearly states that anything in excess is a sin and I can honestly say that my facebook and texting have become a MAJOR sin in my own personal life. 

I think many of us today when we think of sin we think of sexual immorality, murder, stealing the list goes on and on but sin is so much deeper than that. The bible describes sin as the breaking, or transgression, of Gods law. It is also defined as disobedience or rebellion against God, as well as independence from God.While the basic origin of sin is unclear, we know that it came into the world when the serpent, Satan, tempted Adam and Eve and they disobeyed God. The essence of the problem stemmed from the human desire to be like God. All sin, therefore, has its roots in idolatry—the attempt to put something or someone in the place of the Creator. Most often, that someone is one's own self. While God allows sin, he is not the author of sin. All sins are an offense to God and they separate us from him (Isaiah 59:2). 

Which bring me to the question is all sin the same? Is my excessive texting just as wrong as murder or stealing? The Bible seems to indicate that there are degrees to sin—that some are more detestable to God than others. However, when it comes to the eternal consequences of sin, they are all the same. Every sin, every act of rebellion, leads to condemnation and eternal death (Romans 6:23). All that to say yes texting and murder my be different degrees of sin but they are all displeasing to God and cause separation. 

All in all I have yet to decide how much is to much and where exactly I need to draw the line because I do think completely getting rid of my texting would take away some of the moments in life I often cherish. Example: My dad will randomly tell me I am blessed, or that he Loves me. Or girls that I mentor send me random messages telling me they love me or thanking me for being there for them; things that may be harder for some to say out loud. And things like that always seem to come at the right time, just when I need to hear them. So this is something I am in deep prayer about because I refuse to let something so petty ruin another friendship in my life. There comes a point when you have to decide is this really worth it? And personally for me texting is not worth the issues that have traveled along with it. 

And what about real life communication? texting has to ruin it to some extent!!! Real relationships can not possibly be build through text messaging. To me if you build a relationship with someone through text of the opposite sex is it really any different than online dating? ha-ha im not sure it is. Besides you can not judge a persons true character through texting, there is no emotion and you can't even begin to truly understand how the person is coming across. I mean seriously I know I would personally like to sit face to face and talk to someone ANYDAY over texting but like i said we live in a microwave world where we are all impatient and want to talk to whoever RIGHT NOW!!!!! Anyways i'll stop now before I get going again! Thats my thoughts on texting, hope someone got something from it even if it was only a explanation of why I text so dang much, which is because I can honestly admit I had a serious problem with it!! :) Ok USE to text so dang much!!! :) So be prepared to see a texting change in this girls life from this day forward. 

Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you all have a blessed Tuesday!!! <3

Contentment :)

So im not sure how many people will actually read this now that I cant publicly show all of Facebook that I wrote a new blog entry, but im still going to write. Why cant I post to Facebook?.....Because at 8:30 Monday morning I deleted my facebook! :) And yes im happy about it. Someone sent me a text yesterday and said "But you were addicted to Facebook?"......Haha my response was "Exactly". I was just far to addicted and spent way to much time on it. I spent a good while Sunday night debating on it and thinking of the pros and cons and I decided the best decision was to just get rid of it. Now in the times I want to sit down and creep on people on facebook I take out the bible instead. Working out great for me!!!! :) I don't miss it at all!

Its finally DECEMBER!!!! And this girl is oh so very happy about that fact!!! 1. because I just love the month of December! It just screams holidays, cozy fireplaces, hot chocolate (even though I don't drink it), family, shopping and christmas and my birthday of course! :) Eeek, my birthday?.....thats a topic I don't really want to go into! I'll be 26 and I'm still not completely sure how I feel about that. But its ok because when I even stress to someone about it most peoples responses are that I look 18! So I guess I shouldn't really have anything to complain about as long as I still look young right? :) 

So I read something today in "My Utmost For His Highest" By Oswald Chambers and my goodness it stuck out to me like crazy and I find it to carry a lot of truth in my life at this time. The statement was simply this...."When God's will is in complete control, He removes all pressure." I love that!! Its so simply but I'm finding it to bring a lot of truth in my own life personally. I was thinking about my current state of mind at one point yesterday and trying to figure out what my current mindset of how my life was going at this current time and it just drew a blank. At first I wasnt sure what that meant. After a few moments of trying to figure out why I felt just blah i realized I was in a period of complete contentment! 

Contentment is the most powerful proof to the truth of our Christian profession. As Christians we profess the glorious truth of the sovereignty of God. Our God reigns. He rules over everything, and over us, we confess. As a Christian, I confess: "I am in the hands of my heavenly Father. My life is not a product of chance, but of His will. He has made me as the Creator. And by His providence He continues to care for me and to guide all things. I am in His hand. I belong to the Lord. He is responsible for me. My God is wise and His counsel includes all things that happen. He loves me. He has forgiven my sins in Jesus Christ. He has shown me His amazing grace." That is our confession. The proof that that confession is genuine will be found in a life of contentment. We don’t not need to put your hand over fire to prove to others that you are genuine about what you say as a Christian. But a life of contentment, as you live it before the world and before your friends, is the strongest witness you could ever give of your confession.

 To be content means that one believes God will meet his needs and that God will work all circumstances for his good. A godly person has found what all who are envious and greedy and discontented are looking for and never find. He has found perfect satisfaction. He has found rest in the soul, in God.  Still more. Christian contentment is not repression. It is not when all of our desires and ambitions are firmly repressed within us. Christian contentment is not the ability simply to hold things down. No, Christian contentment is a gracious work in the heart. It is a giving all things over to the hand of God. It is submitting to the hand of the Lord and believing that what He does He does well. Contentment is when the grace of God is rooted in the heart, it is inward. Our contentment is not due to our possessions, to the things that God has given to us in this world. We are content in the world. But what gives us contentment is not the physical, not the material, but it is God.

Thats a first for me! Seriously! I think most of my life I have lived thinking things are either really good or just really bad. Im constantly searching for something to either make me really happy or im just completely down because of whatever circumstances going on in my life. But I honestly believe for the first time in a long time and possibly ever have I found a true point of contentment and I LOVE it!!! That’s not to say that good things aren't happening and there are not things I'd like to be better, its just to say God is in control and I no longer am not and I'm enjoying letting Him drive because I trust He knows my future better than I do. :) Contentment, therefore, is the grace of God to make God's value judgments concerning what is truly rich. True riches is to have a cleared conscience before God. True richness is to have fellowship with the living God through faith in Jesus Christ. True richness is the peace of God in my heart. True richness is the assurance that I am accepted in the beloved Son of God. May we all continue to go after God in such a way that we don’t search for or try to find contentment in life, but that we seek God so strongly that contentment in Him finds us! Have a blessed Wednesday!! <3 J

24 Days Till Christmas

30 Days Till My Birthday! :)