Institutionalized

First I want to tell you all how much of a out of shape BABY I am. I have been doing P90X again and Plyometrics is my favorite but its been like 2 months since ive done it and ill just say I've yet to get past 30 mins of the hour of it without quitting and I HURT bad haha! And Im burnt from tanning so im walking around like a old lady this week!!! And I dont want to hear any smart remarks about me being old! :cough: Aaron Matthews :cough:

Anyways on to the blog, So I recently purchased a book called "Organic Leadership; Leading Naturally Right Where You Are" By Neil Cole. The first chapter of the book really took a hold of me and has pushed me to back track on a lot of things in my life. The Chapter is titled "On being Institutionalized; Depending On The Walls That Imprison You" I don't want to ruin the chapter for anyone who may consider picking up this book but I will go into some what of what the chapter is about and how its effecting me personally.

I personally believe that a lot of churchs have become an institution where leaders inside the church are important and well educated people, but OUTSIDE the church they are nothing, with no clout, no power, nothing impressive. It is when you as a leader find your identity and purpose inside the church. You give your life to maintaining the institution which cause you to be a prisoner and you no longer can not imagine life on the outside. That was me. When I stepped out of my role in the church I spent months trying to figure out what I stand for and who I really was. I knew what I was inside the walls of the church but outside I felt as if I was nothing beyond a 25 year old girl who was basically starting her life over from scratch because she gave up what she had for years built her life around thinking it was defining who she was in Christ.

Not to go against or bash anything I have done in the past but when I read this and took a step back to look at the last few years of my life I realized I without a doubt had been on of these prisoners. I spend years focusing on how I could invest different parts of my life to making this institution better. I spend every moment of everyday constantly feeling as if it was my life. I can honestly say I got to the point that no longer was my own personal relationship with Jesus my number one priority in life, it was now the well being of this institution and how I was going to be moved to a higher level of position or authority. This is bad because I wanted to badly to be needed and be of great importance to the Kingdom of God when in the end when I stepped out I felt that all of that was completely gone. When I gave up the title I carried for years all I was just a girl who at one point did carry high important and value and now I carried nothing.

The more I thought about all the time and money I spent investing in my education through this intitution in the end I now realize im not qualified to do anything outside of this institution more than wait tables at a local restaurant. Ha......Crazy to think about! Not that my time there was wasted. I do not think that at all. I value the things I learned and the experiences. But the only thing I have now that I'm gone is a fresh start to do things over and differently. Which is NOT a bad thing. :)

Cole says "Christ did not come to establish an institution. His kingdom and his church are meant to be relational and spontaneous movements, not organizations. It is his followers who created the "church institution" with layers of authority and solidified programs and practices that take on a sacred nature in and of themselves. When we become part of the perpetuation of the institution so that our own identity and security are found there, we have become institutionalized."

He brings to recognition 2 problems with being institutionalized. The first being that when often unknowingly (which I believe I did) place our faith in the institution rather than in the Lord. I found my security, identity and hope through the institution not through Christ. This has been a major struggle for me now that I have stepped back into the secular world because I'm having to relearn how to put all of these things in Christ and not in my position at the church. The Second problem is that we elevate the institution to a level of being God's main instrument on earth. This is when everything under God must be and can only be done through this particular church. Cole says "The worth of people is determined by their value to the institution and its objectives." This is a BIG one in my mind. I never think one should be rejected by a church no matter where they stand and no matter how much they do wrong. That in my opinion is when the church becomes more a organization than a church. Its Gods house and who are we to judge the heart of a person to decide if they should of shouldn't be welcome into something that is run by Him?.....Or is it even being run by Him?.....Or is it run by us and we decide who can stay and who must go?.......That was free from Cecilia! ;)

I say all this to say that I do agree with Cole when he states that some people are called to work within the walls of the organized church. Its not that we must leave but that those who do stay function with freedom and faith and not in bondage. I am now at a place in life where I at times honestly feel like I'm a new christian all over again due to the fact that I placed who I became in a institution. I'm having to go back to the basics of life and learn how to do this thing in the real world because my mind only knew how to function with life inside the walls of a church. I've learned more flaws within myself in the last few months than I have in a long time. This is a good thing though. Im loving the feeling that my life is starting back at the beginning and that my God is a God of 2nd and 3rd and 57th chances! :) Im probably way beyond my 57th change to do this thing right! Life is never promised to be easy and I have never expected it to be. Yes at times I would love for it to be but I'm just glad that God always comes through and is always there to pick me up, dust me off and encourage me to keep going. I do not regret anything I have done in life. I am now simply trying to figure out who I really am and what I really stand for. All I know is for the first time in a long time I am not putting my faith, hope or identity in a church, a person, a job, a title but in God and God alone. Its not always easy but I know that He will use me and guide me in the path best suited for me. I am excited to begin this journey to find my TRUE identity in Christ :) Not only do we ONLY know God through Jesus Christ, but we ONLY know ourselves through Jesus Christ; we ONLY know life and death through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ we cannot know the meaning of our life or our death, of God or of ourselves. :)




Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.



Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 


P.S. - 15 Days till Christmas, 21 Days till I'm *26* :)